“Does my bum look big in this?”
She knows the feeling. Uncertainty with a hint of dread, as she examines those curves again and tries to work out whether to put that outfit back or keep it on.
Fronting up to those colleagues today, with that client, she wants to feel her best. And if her bum looks big, it will just be one more thing that takes up thinking space and could throw her off her game…
As women, we know the difference confidence makes. If we convey confidence in our social circles, we can have more enjoyable relationships. If we come across as confident at work, we are seen as someone with authority. We may even be able to ask for higher pay.
None of us deserves to be held back in life. We are women, dreamers, changemakers and doers. We can see what is possible and we are making it happen. Why should anything hold us back?
I am a Personal Stylist and it’s my job to help women feel more confident about themselves. I work with women to understand their current wardrobe and outfits and take them in the direction they want to go. If my client doesn’t end up with a smile on her face, brimming with confidence, then I haven’t done my job.
The no.1 habit to break
I believe the no.1 restriction that holds a woman back from being confident is the way she sees herself.
We can be so hard on ourselves. We have made a habit of it. We can use terrible words to describe ourselves. When it comes to body parts, I sometimes hear words like ‘chunky’, ‘flat’ and ‘sticks’. I’ve heard women say “I have no style” and “I’ve got such a weird body shape.” This can extend to our careers and work: “I really don’t know what I’m doing…”
The thing is, there are always two ways to see ourselves. The glass is either half full or half empty. Having a perception that is distorted towards the negative is like wearing the wrong prescription glasses – we see ourselves in a distorted way doesn’t help us find our way.
The ultimate way to build confidence is to change the words we use, to swap out the critical, judgmental and negative terms with something that is still plausible, but is positive. Instead of ‘chunky’, your legs might also be ‘strong’. Instead of ‘ flat’, your chest could be ‘sporty’. Or instead of ‘sticks’, your arms could also be seen as ‘slight’.
This is more than just a word game, and I think this might help to prove it. Anyone who reads that previous paragraph back to themselves and notices their internal state as they read it will pick up that the negative words provoke tension and stress, while the positive words bring lightness and ease. Reading the positive words is a completely different experience.
This woman’s legs, chest and arms are still the same in terms of their size and dimensions, but now she sees them differently and feels differently when she talks about them. And that’s the beginning of confidence.
Any of us who want to recognise the power of our own words. We can do a lot to see ourselves the way we have always dreamed.
The second surprise hinderance
I believe the second constraint we face is a lack of messages in our environment that line up with our confident selves. A woman might have her internal head game finely tuned – she sees herself in a new light, she sees her possibilities and accepts her unique shape and personality.
And yet her things are shouting ‘loser’ and ‘failure’. Every time she looks at that ball gown on the left of the cupboard, it quietly reminds her of feeling out of her depth that night she wore it. She keeps that corporate suit only because her mother-in-law told her she should have it, but it seems to remind her of something she hasn’t been able to reach.
Then there is the opposite experience. Imagine the woman who finds great joy in her daily environment. She looks around and sees things that spark joy. Her stuff gives us reminders that say ‘you are beautiful’, ‘you are loved’, ‘you are powerful’ and ‘you have purpose’.
She has fewer moments of tension. She questions herself less. She moves more easily through her day. She feels confident.
One of my favourite reads from last year was a book called ‘Joyful’ by Ingrid Fettell Lee. As a previous lead designer at the world-famous design company IDEO, Ingrid sees the power of beautiful design to lift and direct people’s moods.
Ingrid shares all the many ways you can bring energy, abundance, freedom, harmony, play and more into your environment through its look and feel, signature elements, décor, ambience and other features. I love this book and highly recommend it.
It’s enlightening to realise that our emotional brain understands shapes differently and prefers some shapes over others. So if you don’t like those angular chairs, or that oddly-shaped dress, or that table in your study, and you are just putting up with it, perhaps that thing is creating a low-lying source of stress for you.
Is there an outfit that shouts negative things at you, which is just better off gifted to someone who will look at it differently? Is there a beautiful place in your home where you could spend a few minutes extra a day, because of how it makes you feel when you are there? Are your plants the ones you really enjoy or could you swap them out for shapes and colours you love?
And how beautiful it is when the clothes we wear are positive and affirming. These are the designs we use to express ourselves all day long.
Every day we hear a different story and those old negative, critical judgments can take a back seat.
The next step
There is a special kind of magic we can create by giving a quick ‘one-two’ punch to confidence killers.
When we change not only our internal game, but also our external game, everywhere we turn it’s a different story – that old confidence-ruining narrative doesn’t have a home.
First we tune into the messages we’re hearing from ourselves in the words we use and the messaging coming from the objects in our environment. If we don’t like what we hear, we can show those messages the door and replace them.
All the best to you as you pursue your goals this year.
Nina, Personal Stylist
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